I’m tired of writing about it and you’re probably tired of reading about it…

But I promised I’d be honest.

These are some of the things I’ve been thinking in the last few weeks.

It will get better when school is out.

It will get better when baseball is over.

It will get better when I’ve caught up on sleep.

It’s not better.

Yes, I haven’t been questioning the value of my existence, and that’s a huge step. Not one to take lightly and I truly am grateful for that.

But things still feel forced and are life draining.

I’ll have one day where I get up, get dressed, have a plan and fulfill it, checking items off my list like the productive, organized individual I used to be.

But then the next day I am completely spent. I sit in my chair and read. I don’t bother to make a list. I take a two hour nap. I dread appointments because then I’ll have to socialize. I order pizza for dinner and play mindless games on my iPad.

The other night I was so tired of broken sleep with disturbing dreams I took some Restoril and slept really well. The next day, even though I was clouded until 10, I actually had energy and weeded and planted and sprayed and watered.

The next day that energy vanished.

This past Wednesday was the worst, and it prompted me to try and schedule an earlier appointment with my doc.

The separation of children from their families was something I knew would tear me apart, but then there was an article in the Detroit Free Press that told of two centers that were receiving kids and were extremely low on supplies and caregivers for these children–some still in diapers.

I researched and donated and flooded my Twitter and Facebook feeds with articles and statistics, but it didn’t alleviate the anger and helplessness I felt. And that led to feelings of hopelessness.

By that evening, we were driving to my son’s last baseball game and I had an overwhelming desire to replace the emotional pain with physical pain. I wanted to cut myself. Feel the blade. See the blood. Focus on something outside to avoid my inside. The urge, fortunately, passed.

So here I am. Weeks into a drug regimen that should have reached its peak efficacy by now, and I fear I’m going to have to start all over again. I compare it to drug roulette. Maybe this one works, maybe it doesn’t. Maybe the side effects will be tolerable, maybe they’ll be horrific.

And my greatest fear is that when all the drugs have been tried and nothing helps, what next?

I’m willing to try, but I guess this is one of the reasons depression is so hard for others to tolerate. Because it doesn’t just go away magically. There is no perfect cure that works for everyone. Something may work and then not work.

Depression is an incurable, chronic illness. Remission can be achieved, but there’s no guarantee how long it might last.

And when it does come back, it might be mild or severe. It might vary day to day. It might expose itself as rage, fatigue, restlessness, overeating, undereating, sleeping a lot, insomnia.

I get it–having a friend or family member with depression is exhausting and frustrating.

We’re exhausted and frustrated too.

Just please try and be patient. It’s a lot to ask, but we want to be normal as much as you want us to.

I want to be me again.

7 thoughts on “I’m tired of writing about it and you’re probably tired of reading about it…

  1. >I fear I’m going to have to start all over again. I compare it to drug roulette. Maybe this one works, maybe it doesn’t. Maybe the side effects will be tolerable, maybe they’ll be horrific.

    God do I know THAT feeling. I’ve been on this damn hamster wheel for thirty fucking years and when I DO find something that works and works REALLY well for me, insurance goes “Sorry. You can’t have that. Try something cheaper, something less pleasant, something that probably won’t work because we’re cheap AF even though you pay out the ass to have us cover shit for you.”

    After my miscarriage and my subsequent trip to the ER when I had a mental breakdown, the doctor in the ER gave me a sample pack of Viibryd and by god, that stuff was magic. I went to a psychiatrist (even though I really don’t care for them personally) who wrote me a 3 month prescription and I never saw her again after like 2 visits because I knew going would be virtually useless. After that 3 mos was up (so about 4 mos of Viibryd total), the insurance company went “Nope. We are NOT covering this shit ANYMORE.” and I had to quit taking it. I ended going back on Lexapro, which doesn’t really do much for me, but which the insurance WOULD cover.

    Fast forward to this past November. Hubs got a new job almost a year ago and in late October, we finally qualified for new insurance through his work. Yay! They STILL won’t cover Viibryd (boo!) but they WILL cover Zoloft which works pretty well.

    Except when my doctor (who I am starting to seriously hate) won’t give the pharmacy permission to refill it. I’ve been suffering side effects from not having it in my system the last 3-4 days and it’s awful. It’s not constant (thank his holy noodleness), but when it does happen it’s crippling. My skin feels like it’s crawling off my body, my muscles (particularly in my arms) are throbbing. I can hear my eardrums throbbing. I feel dizzy and when I lay down, the bed or the couch sways. This SUCKS.

    So we’re going to the doctor’s tomorrow to FORCE them to talk to me and see what can be done. Because this is nuts. I can’t do this anymore.

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    1. It’s just insane how insurance companies can just dictate what is covered and what isn’t. I’m so sorry you’ve been going through this. Hoping today brings some answers that will actually help, and not more frustration. Hugs ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Fellow Viibryd lover here… my insurance has just starting covering it but, before that, I just used the manufacturer’s discount program… go to their website and sign up and it’s good for 12 scripts per year I think (so full coverage) and brings the cost down to $10 per month. I didn’t have any trouble signing up for it a second year, but like I said, my insurance randomly started covering it

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ll have to go check that out. Out of everything I’ve taken, Lexapro and Viibryd worked the best for me. And since insurance won’t cover Viibryd, I think for now I’m just going to keep taking the Lexapro because it’s working.

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