No exposition, I’m getting right to it.
We rented a house in Naples, FL. Did our research, checked reviews, beautiful house.
We pull up after 9, totally dark and there’s a pimped out Jeep, monster tires, top down in the carport.
The owner left the house open, so we turn the knob and hear jazz playing throughout the house.
We walk in a little further and the TV in the screened in porch is on.
And the whole house smells like Hash Bash at Michigan every year. At least that’s what someone told me.
Where they also used to have the Naked Mile. Allegedly.
So I am completely freaked out and we start calling, “Hello?” but no one answers and I’m starting to think we just scared off a group of hellions in the middle of a Jazz-listening, pot-smoking, Disney TV-watching soirée.
I mean, that happens. Somewhere.
But no answers, and I walk through every room opening every closet door and bathroom door and looking and peering and running through all of my kick ass Black Widow moves but there’s nothing to stun with the taser discs attached to my bra (not really, but I would love those) so we unpack and watch the end of the NCAA Championship final (sad but expected) and go to sleep.
But not before noting some of the owner’s… ahem… art.
And what the fuck is up with that photo? Yeah, here’s a cute picture of mom and daughter and I think I’ll put it on the table under the painting of these women and their vaginas. And while I’m at it, I’ll set the clock to six. Permanently.
And then this one.
I call it Woman in Bush with Bush.
Now, I’m not a critic and everyone has their own taste and ideas of what might be appealing, but when your 13 year old daughter says, “The guy and the girl in the painting in my room are totally naked and you can see the guy’s penis,” well… nuff said.
Fast forward 36 hours where I get groceries, we go to the beach, out to dinner, I drink a little much, the kids swim and we fall into bed.
Next morning, hubby goes golfing with friends who are also in Florida. Kids are watching TV when I go get a banana.
And find this.
And text this.
And this was me, in the kitchen, behind the kids who were still watching TV.
If you’re unfamiliar with the palm rat, it is common in southern Florida, and looks like this.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!
If you’re a new reader, this is not my first encounter with rodents. Please see my earlier terror in the archives.
I start putting boxes on shelves and throwing things away quietly and quickly. “Hey kids, how about we get Dunkin Donuts on the way to the beach? We’ll eat lunch at the restaurant too.”
Yay…cool mom points.
So we go to the beach. For SIX HOURS while Bill and I try to figure out what to do because there is no fucking way I am going back into that house unless it’s to pack and get the hell out.
We eat at the restaurant and I have a drink. YES JUST ONE WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?
And I furiously text and badger my dad and friends back home because I HAD to talk about it, but not to the kids because they would totally freak out unlike me who was holding her shit together, thank you very much.
Bill returned to the house after golf and started packing everything up, and by the time the kids and I got back, we had a place to stay. During the packing, I threw a ton of stuff in the trash and found this.
We drove away while explaining why to the kids, and then vacationed happily ever after.
Except for the whole red tide alert thing. Which apparently causes a rash. In some. With me it’s like a nuclear reactor erupted under my skin. And of course, I’m the only one of us who got it because that’s just the waythings are.