Thanks to all of you, and I’m sorry if it scared you. I think it’s scary too.
But it’s real, and like any issue, there are things that help alleviate the darkness. I wanted to make a list of what’s helping right now so I can look back and either add things or remember things that bring me joy today. So here they are in no particular order.
Seeing the sun rising as I drive to work
Daylight savings time
Awesome friends that keep inviting me places and treat me like a regular human being
Naps with Ginger
Snuggling with cats
Encircling my girl with my arms, telling her I love her, and she doesn’t resist
Sharing my chair with my boy while he shows me his Minecraft house
Sharing my kids’ triumphs
Because of the way the mental health care system works, I don’t have an appointment until the second week in April. And as any high functioning depressive will tell you, we don’t usually decide to make the call until we’ve already tried everything else. So I’m doing what most people struggling with depression do.
I’m going to work, driving to practice, fulfilling most obligations, making dinner once in a while, showering, washing my hair, going to my kids’ events, being polite and kind to my students, friends and neighbors, and sleeping… kind of. But I’m taking things day by day, or hour by hour, or breath by breath.
And right now, it’s ok.
Thank you to all who let me know in so many ways that you care. And if you didn’t say anything because it’s awkward or you didn’t know what to say, it’s ok. It’s taken me 13 years to be able to talk about it, and I still do a shitty job and don’t completely understand it.
Right now I’m just going to do things that make me smile and feel good. And if that includes destroying a box of Entenmann’s chocolate covered donuts, so be it.