I can sense it, feel it, almost grasp it. The depression is lurking near, waiting for an opportunity to materialize. Right now it’s a transparent fog. This time of year always beckons it.
The days are shorter, the rain is more prevalent. The workload is overwhelming, the activities are draining. Monotony sets in, motivation stumbles.
I say yes to invitations and bail at the last minute. I make promises to exercise and make excuses not to go. I go to bed early and pledge to catch up on sleep and wind up with excruciating dreams and lonely midnights.
So it’s calling me. Coaxing me. Trying to lure me.
It’s so easy to give in, much harder to fight. Easy to just stop planning, caring and producing. Just let the darkness take over, keep everyone out, slide into nothingness. Why struggle?
I self care. I get a massage, text with a friend, make jokes, plan lessons, hug my kids, take naps, have a drink.
I self-sabotage. I am irritable, snap at others, dwell on the negative, skip showers, eat too much.
Which way to go?
Of course, I know the answer. The only answer. To fight, struggle, bite, kick, scratch and maim my way to wellness.
But it’s so fucking hard sometimes.
And sometimes I just want to give in and allow the darkness to swallow me whole, without resistance. But there are two sources of light that keep me from giving in.
It’s a rough time of year. For a lot of people. I know I’m not alone. I’ll do my best to be there for you. In fact, I’m a better cheerleader for you than I am for myself.
And if you are struggling as I am right now, take solace in the light that pulls you away from the darkness. Whatever form that takes.
We’ll make it.