1. Screen time for my kids
I used to be so ashamed of how much TV my kids watched and how much time they spent on their iPads that I would coach them before their annual check-ups. “Now when the doctor asks about screen time, it’s always ‘two hours’.” Then I finally had an epiphany. We live in Michigan and I hate cold weather. So, for six months of the year, pretty much no one is going outside unless they have to. Come to me, iPad! And anyone who says Minecraft isn’t educational should be shot. Future architects, mother fuckers.
2. Eating healthy meals
I try, ok? I try. And it’s all about the intentions, right? I get into modes where I’m all about making dinner every night and making it healthy and balanced. So I will make grilled free range organic chicken (which seems odd that that makes it better. I mean it’s still dead and on my plate. Is it REALLY more humane to let them live the good life before whacking their heads off? And that reminds me of Hansel and Gretel who ate all that candy only to realize the witch was getting them fat to be eaten, but whatever), with a side of steamed antibiotic free broccoli and humanely harvested sweet potatoes. But before I can even pat myself on the back, the comments start. “This broccoli tastes bad, I only like potatoes with cinnamon, Why can’t we have McDonalds, We’re having THIS?? and the inevitable three bites followed by “Is this enough for a snack?” At this point I wave the white dish towel and make a vat of macaroni and cheese for the rest of the week. If dirt builds immunity, then preservatives and artificial colors build character. Sue me.
3. A clean house
When I didn’t have kids or a husband I gave a shit. Now, not so much. I categorize my cleaning style as my friend Michele once said, “recently looted.”We do have a company that cleans the house every two weeks and the night before they come I’ll run around and go through two weeks’ worth of mail and notes from school and sort things. But that’s just straightening up. And the cleaning company isn’t filled with miracle workers. There are marks on walls and door frames and windows and everywhere else. But who cares? There are four Nerf guns lying around with innumerable bullets that the cats have batted under furniture. My dining room table is piled high with Legos and a moat of them cover the floor like mini punji pits. The wood floors are all scratched from kids and pets and life. Several years ago my daughter had a friend over and at one point she queried, “Why is your house so… dirty?” nose wrinkle and all. After initially wanting to gouge her eyes out, I responded sweetly, “This is more clean than usual! And Santa isn’t real.”
4. Animals all over the place
We have two cats and a dog and we love them unconditionally. But I get that not everyone feels that way (although they are wrong and generally suspicious individuals). It hit me one night when my husband came home late from work. I took in the visual as he sat for dinner. Spot was lying on the kitchen table, inches from the plate. He was curled up against the mound of said mail/ school papers (see #3). As my husband ate, he was simultaneously patting Ginger on her head. I asked, “Do you think other people live like this?” And he sighed, “Probably not.” So, if you ever come over, that hair in your drink could be cat, dog or human. And if that completely grosses you out then we probably can’t be close friends.
5. Making myself look good
Ok, caveat here. Like most people, sometimes I like to do my hair and makeup and dress with some consideration about my outfit. Weirdly, usually when I’m going out with the girls. But the other 99% of the time, I just don’t care. At work, I might start Monday with my hair done, Tuesday a ponytail, and Wednesday through Friday give up with a messy bun. That may have still been in since the day before. In fact, right now I am wearing an old UM shirt of Bill’s, black workout shorts circa 1990, a hat, no makeup and bun hair. And I’m in public at football practice. At least I put a bra on. Don’t judge me.
6. Too much ice cream
Does this even need explaining? Summer, fall, winter, spring. We have three places near us and I rotate so the workers don’t talk about us. I know it’s bad when I suggest making an ice cream run and my kids are like, “AGAIN?!?!” When we get there I totally play the role of mom-treating-kids. It’s all for me though. Always.
7. Making 10 things
So, yeah the title read 10 things, but come on… You already know I give several fucks about things I shouldn’t if you’ve read my past blogs. And if you haven’t, you really should. Something like five people recommend them. Including me and my mom (thanks, mom!) And you’re probably happy this ended early, like when you had class from 6-9 and when 8 rolled around the professor was like, “I think we’re done for tonight” and everyone packed up their shit like running from a hurricane.