I Have Not Been Productive All Day, But It’s So Not My Fault

A weird thing happened at Pet Smart today. As I was wheeling my cart filled with all new litter boxes and mats (I feel your jealousy), I came to the end of an aisle and almost ran into someone. As I stammered out an apology, I noticed her shirt. In black letters it said:


In all capital letters. 

And not in a playful font like Playbill, or Showcard Gothic, but in a Serious. Font. Like Copperplate. (Now you’re super jealous. You’re wondering, “How does she know all those fonts?” Years of study).

So the rest of my day was blown because it’s been bothering me ALL DAY (in Copperplate). 

Why would someone buy and wear this shirt?

Is it a warning? Like just in case she’s walking down the street and someone eating pizza walks towards her and thinks about throwing the crust in her face. Don’t you fucking dare! It says NO GLUTEN, asshole! If that’s the case, then the television news has been doing a shit job. I had no idea we were under siege by driveby glutenings. If that’s a word. Spell check says no, but apparently it’s a thing. Keep up, spell check.

Maybe it’s a political stance. Like those No Nukes shirts. Make love not war. Maybe there’s a movement (sorry, couldn’t help myself) called the No Gluten party. Meetings would totally suck without donuts and bagels. Chips would be ok though, right? Now this is something I can get behind (sorry again). I have lots of salsa. And I have the maturity of a seventh grade boy.

But maybe it’s not that and it’s like a public service announcement. Instead of Just Say No to Drugs, it’s Just Say No to Gluten. But if history has taught us anything, it’s that the war on drugs was a bust so telling people not to eat gluten is like planting a wheat shaft in their hands. And that sounds weirdly sex-like in not a bad-not-good-weird way. Forget I mentioned it. 

If there was a comma between the words, it could signify a new supervillain. NO, GLUTEN! Have mercy on me and my intestines! The shirt could be lined with extra cilia to filter evil wanton gluten particles lurking in the air ready to strike innocent passersby.

Wait. What if THAT’S THE NAME OF HER DOG? And the poor thing has diarrhea all the time so they named her GLUTEN! And when she gets the shits, the woman yells out, “NO, GLUTEN,” and she yells it so much someone made a shirt for her?? Poor puppy.

Now I feel bad.

It’s really bugging me though. This woman felt the need to spread her hatred of gluten in kind of a passive-aggressive way. It’s like she wore it just DARING someone to ask, Hey, what’s with the shirt? And then she’d be all up in their grill preaching the gospel of the “gluten-free lifestyle”.

Maybe next time I go to PetSmart I’ll wear an old Bread t-shirt. That band was hot the year I was born, but that’s beside the point. Maybe we’ll glare at one another in the dog toy aisle. She’ll grab a duck, while I snatch a hot dog bun. She’ll snag a rubber tire and I’ll volley with a cheeseburger squeaker. 

It’ll be ON (in Copperplate).

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