When is a blog not a blog? I guess when it’s this.
Today I feel ugly and awkward and not really fit to be around people. But I had to be.
And not around bad people or mean people, but with friendly, giving people.
And I wanted to crawl out of my skin.
I questioned everything I said, everything I did, every movement I made. I checked my phone and my kids to have a reason to withdraw. And it’s not like I was in a threatening environment. I was with friends. At a pool. On a gorgeous summer day.
But this is the bullshit of depression and anxiety. I have no reason to hide in fear or crawl under the covers layering myself with cats falling asleep to the jingle of whatever’s on HGTV at the moment. And I am so ashamed of myself at the same time. I had honestly been feeling better and was imagining the next visit to my psych where I would ask to start weaning off of the booster drugs I started in the spring.
And now I’m back to feeling… This.
And the problem is that even forcing myself to interact just that little bit will drain more energy, making me more fatigued, more anxious and more shameful. It’s like driving on the highway, blowing a tire and just trying to hold on until the next exit. The farther you go, you just cling to the steering wheel and hope for the best. But when you finally pull off, you not only have a tire to replace, but the rim is bent, and the suspension’s shot and you need to spend way more money than if you had just PULLED OVER IN THE FIRST PLACE.
This is what it feels like, and it’s what scares me. Because tomorrow I know I can sleep in. Tomorrow I can take a nap, proclaim a movie and popcorn day and be able to re-charge. And my family will understand because they’re my family and I know they have my back.
In my brain though, I’ll project to the fall when I’m back at work. When I have a day I need to withdraw and I am unable to do it. And I have to be on and happy and encouraging and understanding and patient and competent and humorous and I will do it, because I am responsible to my students, but at the end of that day I will drive home passing numerous exits, doing damage that can’t be repaired in a night of shitty sleep.
So I have to keep reminding myself– Take One Moment at a Time. Breathe. Focus. Inhale. Exhale. Take a long, hot shower. Hold a cat. Scratch a dog’s ears. Eat the cookies hidden in the pantry.
One Moment at a Time.